Atlanta Journal Constitution - October 4th, 2009

Canadian Virus Spreads to Northeast
by Anthony J. Rand, Editorialist

Washington, D.C.  -  Wednesday

The disease that began two months ago in Canada has been spreading into California and America’s breadbasket steadily over the past few weeks.  The scientific community has taken to calling it corpus animus, rough Latin for “conscious corpse,” while the everyday word is of course “zombism.”  Six days ago the plague reached New England, where it has been spreading like wildfire.  Helicopter footage of New York City has been dominating the television news since Sunday.  The carnage there is certainly the worst experienced since the virus began.
The military is retaliating immediately.  Troops that pulled out of Iraq mere months ago are now facing even greater threats on their own homeland.  The army is currently trying to root out any survivors living in New York before the Air Force begins its bomb run on Friday.  All docks along the east coast and northern California are being shut down to keep it contained within North America, as stated by the United Nations on Tuesday, and the Navy will be keeping any boats from berthing until the threat is averted.  The national guard is being charged with evacuating the most densely populated cities in the northeast, particularly Boston and Washington, D.C.  The President has been relocated to his summer home in Wisconsin, with the secret service on triple-duty.  
The president has taken to the belief that the virus has been caused by a terrorist attack.  “While President Bush managed to keep this country safe when under heavy distress from Middle Eastern religious extremists,” said the President during his conference on Monday, “he was unable to completely eliminate the terrorist threat, and it is clear that this is yet another attack.”
However, CIA representative Frank Barnell says differently.  “The idea that this crisis was caused by Middle Eastern terrorists is highly unlikely, if possible at all,” says Barnell, who has twenty-seven years experience dealing with biochemical weapon threats for both Army Intelligence and the CIA.  “Terrorist cells like Al-Queda may be capable of utilizing some biological threats, but they simply do not have the technology or scientific resources to create something like what we’re currently dealing with.
This reporter managed to get some word-on-the-street opinions from people evacuating Washington, D.C. during Monday‘s exodus.  Our crew asked people what they thought was the cause of the virus.  “I think it’s a mutated strand of the AIDS virus,” said Alex Freeman, a 21-year-old History major.  “I mean, thirty years ago it appears out of nowhere, I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to believe it could have evolved quickly.”  Freeman was far from the only person who believed AIDS was connected to corpus animus;  the most popular theory held by the general public, however, seems to be that it was a terrorist attack.
Arguably the most controversial theory, however, is the “Wrath of God” belief that has been taken by some evangelical Christians.  “It’s obviously a precursor to the rapture,”  says Reverend Thomas Carp, who preaches each week at a nondenominational church in Washington.  “Soon Christ’s followers will be taken into Heaven, and this plague will be one of many trials for the leftover men and women to face before the glorious reappearing.”
Other Christians deter these thoughts.  “To say that tragedies like zombism, hurricane Katrina, the tsunami, or AIDS, is the ‘wrath of God’ is dubious at best,” according to Methodist Reverend Zack Kerrigan.  “The Gospel leads us to believe quite clearly that while God places obstacles in our paths of life to strengthen our faith, punishment is something that is handled only in the afterlife.”  Following this ideal, Catholic Pope Benedict XVI has stated that the virus is “a horrible and frightening tragedy,” and that “it is not the blaming of sinners, but faith in the Lord which will help us through this horrible crisis.”